It creeps it crawls its always there
Hi, all not sure how this will come out but here goes.
As mentioned I had a really bad incident a week or so ago now, and I am still paying the consequences for that. I have developed a permanent tremor down my left side, and I haven’t eaten a full meal since. Even a piece of toast comes back up.
Spoke to my psychiatrist about it he thinks both are related to the meltdown. You see no matter how well I manage the illness it can come back and bite me. He says it is a testimate to me how well I have managed myself and my illness to go so long without this.
I am still pulled apart, and im unsure how I go back together. The truth of that night that morning is difficult to recant without showing a side of me that is painful. But to do so I hope that I can help others cope with this.
This all started out quite normally for me, the voices started mid afternoon and were in a particularly bad mood with me, so around 7.00pm I took my normal meds and a jagged little pill. Now I dont remember lots about what happened next, but I awake around 8.30 am and took another pill. Then again 15 mins after that. That was accidental. What happend from here on in was not.
I made the decision I could not cope any more and I wanted out. I took a further 8mg of xanax and went back to sleep hoping to never wake up. I know unless you have been here that is difficult to hear. It wasnt set off by anything it was just the way things were. I woke up the second time with the sole purpose of not being here any more.
I went to sleep, im not sure how long I was under but I was having this amazing dream. We were all at my grandparents place, everyone I have lost and loved over the years was there including my dad and Ryan. It was so lovely so perfect. I had been there a while when dad said "Why don't you stay". I didn't understand what he meant then a couple others asked me to stay, I started to feel uneasy.
The rest of what happened is in a previous post. The people I lost were there and they wanted me to stay. I still feel I made the wrong decision.
I hope over time as different things happen to me that I will be able to shake that feeling. People are so scared of death but I have been so close twice now, and neither time I was afraid. I remember how bright everything was.
So I try and work through these things the best I can. Lifeline have been good a couple times that I have needed this past week. My partner and I broke up but that had been on the cards for a while. While we are friends its no longer more than that. I think I am going to be moving out alone soon, and I like that idea.
Since I have been single I have been sleeping around (safely) and be nice to have a place to go to that I didnt have to work around everyone else
Am I well right now ? No im not there hasnt been a day go by that I have not looked long and hard at that bottle. I have issues with thought patterns, coordination and a few other issues since that morning. It is still likely that I will end up in hospital for a stay, but I am trying not to. This last meltdown has done me major mental damage and I amy never be the same. On the funny side if I dont eat I will be less fat lol
Anyway thanks for reading everyone
Ohh below is a link that I hope you take the time to listen too I hope it helps give you some insight into what happens to people like me
Tedx
As mentioned I had a really bad incident a week or so ago now, and I am still paying the consequences for that. I have developed a permanent tremor down my left side, and I haven’t eaten a full meal since. Even a piece of toast comes back up.
Spoke to my psychiatrist about it he thinks both are related to the meltdown. You see no matter how well I manage the illness it can come back and bite me. He says it is a testimate to me how well I have managed myself and my illness to go so long without this.
I am still pulled apart, and im unsure how I go back together. The truth of that night that morning is difficult to recant without showing a side of me that is painful. But to do so I hope that I can help others cope with this.
This all started out quite normally for me, the voices started mid afternoon and were in a particularly bad mood with me, so around 7.00pm I took my normal meds and a jagged little pill. Now I dont remember lots about what happened next, but I awake around 8.30 am and took another pill. Then again 15 mins after that. That was accidental. What happend from here on in was not.
I made the decision I could not cope any more and I wanted out. I took a further 8mg of xanax and went back to sleep hoping to never wake up. I know unless you have been here that is difficult to hear. It wasnt set off by anything it was just the way things were. I woke up the second time with the sole purpose of not being here any more.
I went to sleep, im not sure how long I was under but I was having this amazing dream. We were all at my grandparents place, everyone I have lost and loved over the years was there including my dad and Ryan. It was so lovely so perfect. I had been there a while when dad said "Why don't you stay". I didn't understand what he meant then a couple others asked me to stay, I started to feel uneasy.
The rest of what happened is in a previous post. The people I lost were there and they wanted me to stay. I still feel I made the wrong decision.
I hope over time as different things happen to me that I will be able to shake that feeling. People are so scared of death but I have been so close twice now, and neither time I was afraid. I remember how bright everything was.
So I try and work through these things the best I can. Lifeline have been good a couple times that I have needed this past week. My partner and I broke up but that had been on the cards for a while. While we are friends its no longer more than that. I think I am going to be moving out alone soon, and I like that idea.
Since I have been single I have been sleeping around (safely) and be nice to have a place to go to that I didnt have to work around everyone else
Am I well right now ? No im not there hasnt been a day go by that I have not looked long and hard at that bottle. I have issues with thought patterns, coordination and a few other issues since that morning. It is still likely that I will end up in hospital for a stay, but I am trying not to. This last meltdown has done me major mental damage and I amy never be the same. On the funny side if I dont eat I will be less fat lol
Anyway thanks for reading everyone
Ohh below is a link that I hope you take the time to listen too I hope it helps give you some insight into what happens to people like me
Tedx
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