Medications & Peace after the Storm
This is the follow up to the two posts yesterday, which I have just re-read.
Today brings a calm, that wasn't here yesterday, today the meds I took in the last 72 hours are having an effect. Im a little too dopey for my liking but its better than where I came from yesterday. I still feel the pain and anger that I felt yesterday. But somehow its not as pointed or sharp as it was. I didn't have the best sleep but I kept at it, not sure when the last time I awoke was all I know is that it was sometime just after sun up.
Im kinda numb right now and that is probably a good thing. Being numb means being calm, and calm is good, it means that somehow I have wrangled back control from the illness. Another 24 hours and I will be back in the swing of things for sure.
I didn't write yesterday to scare anyone, I didn't write it to gain any sympathy, I just wanted people to see into the illness the blackness that at times envelopes me. I dont win every fight and I wanted to show people that. For those with MI to take me seriously they have to see it warts and all. Otherwise I am just another 2 bit person who gets off on giving advice. We see plenty of them, most of them have some sort of qualification to say they can treat us, yet most have no idea what it is to live through it every single day.
In a way im tired through to the soul, im in need of rest, but that cannot come, there is simply to much I have to do. My school is deeply concerned that I am ok, and for now I can say I am. But in all honesty it was another close call with self harm. Many times it crossed my mind, I managed to catch myself, but that is really hard work when the brain isnt working properly.
Im also worried as I am starting to see a pattern in me getting unwell, twice now since Brisbane both triggered off the same way. Its like an epileptic there are certain behaviors that preceded and event, seems its the same for me. Now the trick is to find a way to not allow those triggers to happen. Thats a lot easier said than done. You see the behaviors are things I do daily, but in a specific order they seem to be a bad thing.
So watch this space and we will see how I recover from this point. I know its not easy to read, but to be genuine and real I must show it warts and all, otherwise im just another fake.
Today brings a calm, that wasn't here yesterday, today the meds I took in the last 72 hours are having an effect. Im a little too dopey for my liking but its better than where I came from yesterday. I still feel the pain and anger that I felt yesterday. But somehow its not as pointed or sharp as it was. I didn't have the best sleep but I kept at it, not sure when the last time I awoke was all I know is that it was sometime just after sun up.
Im kinda numb right now and that is probably a good thing. Being numb means being calm, and calm is good, it means that somehow I have wrangled back control from the illness. Another 24 hours and I will be back in the swing of things for sure.
I didn't write yesterday to scare anyone, I didn't write it to gain any sympathy, I just wanted people to see into the illness the blackness that at times envelopes me. I dont win every fight and I wanted to show people that. For those with MI to take me seriously they have to see it warts and all. Otherwise I am just another 2 bit person who gets off on giving advice. We see plenty of them, most of them have some sort of qualification to say they can treat us, yet most have no idea what it is to live through it every single day.
In a way im tired through to the soul, im in need of rest, but that cannot come, there is simply to much I have to do. My school is deeply concerned that I am ok, and for now I can say I am. But in all honesty it was another close call with self harm. Many times it crossed my mind, I managed to catch myself, but that is really hard work when the brain isnt working properly.
Im also worried as I am starting to see a pattern in me getting unwell, twice now since Brisbane both triggered off the same way. Its like an epileptic there are certain behaviors that preceded and event, seems its the same for me. Now the trick is to find a way to not allow those triggers to happen. Thats a lot easier said than done. You see the behaviors are things I do daily, but in a specific order they seem to be a bad thing.
So watch this space and we will see how I recover from this point. I know its not easy to read, but to be genuine and real I must show it warts and all, otherwise im just another fake.
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