The Old Tin Shed

Life and death are the beginning and the end its what we do in between that matters

This post could be either brilliant or just plain out there, as is normal with me so here goes. To get my point across here we need to talk about a couple of theories on the Human mind and what makes as tick.  I will try and make these points as short as possible. Firstly is the idea of "I think therefore I am".  So because we can think about ourselves, others and our surroundings then we have a conscious.  I could write a essay on what it is to be human and how its more than just that statement, and that in our own arrogance we have assumed way to much.  The crucial point for this post is the "I think therefore I am" taken as a literal. Secondly the idea that "I remember so I can learn".  Another fundamental thing that we have assumed makes human beings somehow different from everything else.  Its in this statement that I think we as human being have made a horrible mistake in dealing with mental health. We know we age because of corruption ...

You know there is a point in every relationship, friendship that lasts a long time, when he or she will commit the ultimate sin.  For some people its when a friend talks out of school how big her friends butt was on Sat night in the new dress. For me I wish it was that simple.  I shrink away from having to many people in my life.  Why?  because they are all a waste of time and emotion in the end.  They will give up and walk out after telling me 1000 times they wont. Its never that simple either, betrayal goes both ways and betraying someone leaving them in the lurch is never a nice thing to do.  Simply people around me betrayed me so I betrayed everyone to justify the hurt and the pain I was experiencing. My biggest betrayal is still people telling others about my MI without asking me first.  It makes it difficult from that point forward to trust that person till I have spoken with them,  and around and around it goes. Am I overly paranoid...

Hey all; Just a warning this will be introspective and probably a bit boring but its how I feel right now.  You see since I had the Lithium scare we have taken into account my PTSD what caused it well there are plenty of things that could have.  Up until now myself and my Psych have decided that it was not causing any major issues and therefore the treatment for the Bipolar more than covered the  PTSD. Im not sure if I mentioned it or not but I ended up back in hospital after a friend called the police after I had threatened repeatedly to end my life.  Police and EMS turned up and didn't give m e much of a choice to be honest.  I did scare the cops when they said with us or them.  I said or I could close the door chain it and slam the 200 pills OI have and by the time I get to hospital I will be dead.  He reached for his tazar, private joke I found funny but he didn't. Anyway the pysch I saw at the hospital had a long talk and read my treatment p...

Think this song covers how I feel right now.  Im tired and down so this feeling should be expected thats for sure. Please enjoy and check out their other music, in particular "hello", "lies","sober".  all great songs Hope you are all well or at least better than me Horse

Hi all; Over the last couple of months a huge Geo political change has been underway, china is exerting its new found place in the world and the USA is moving to block it.  How do we find ourselves at the eve of war and why do I think or believe that this may be the case. First lets talk about the reef's in question, the are atop potentially huge reserves of oil coal and gas that all neighboring countries want a part of.  China's claim to the south China sea is steeped in history, and the control of the waters has moved back and forwards between all of the countries bordering the region.  This is one of those situations where in normal circumstances diplomats would go back and forward and an non violent solution would be found, and although no country would be entirely happy a conflict would be avoided. But this is far from a normal circumstance.  The USA is strong and experienced after a decade of conflict not just that, we have advanced our weaponry on a ...

Hey all; Another move completed, but im not well.  I have not recovered from the hospital stay even though they think I have.  I have been trying new med combo's but not to much  luck with pTSD added to my list of illnesses things are slowly getting worse. I'm on Valium nearly daily to deal with the anxiety and acrophobia I suffer.  My psychiatrist thinks its related to the depressive side of the illness and we are now supplementing valdoxan with another antidepressant. Secondly after nearly 4 years this site is dying, its either become irrelevant or to hard for people to deal with.  I will make my mind up over the next couple of weeks as to if I will close it for good or will keep blogging with the hope it will get read. I never did it for the numbers I did it to help, but with no one reading I am not helping anyone. Horse

Lost my kitten today.  We moved hnouse over the last week and had kept the kittens inside until yesterday.  All went well they had a riot outside.  Let them out as I was heading out for doctors and the mechanics today thought nothing of it.   4 hours later I arrive home and my neighbors on the driveway side of the house called me over and introduced themselves and then gave me some horrible news.  That beautiful grey kitten in the picture below had been torn apart by the other neighbors ridge backs while I was away.  They rushed him to the vets but it was to late. Calling the council tomorrow but not hopeful much will be done.  Im going to go see him tomorrow, say goodbye like I have for every other animal I have owned.  He was a great cat loving and close.  The neighbors responsible haven even bothered to contact us that just makes me angry. So to my kitten GT I love you and miss you already.  Im sorry I failed to prot...

What I find amazing is that even today a true poet can make amazing music recently discovered poets of the fall. Check out the Carnival of Rust single and War. Lyrics are something special

My blog of late has not been a nice place.  That goes with my life and everything in it.  Since I was hospitalized for 4 days I have not been the same mentally nor have I had the ability to get back to that point either. THey took away lithium because of the drug interations, now I have it back but it will be another week before I see it helping. So I am a sad confused old man, driving in the wrong direction to get to a store only to be told so by the pleasant girl where had all the boxed chips gone.  I know I was confused after that she helped me to the car.  Then I got angry at myself and came home.  Im angry about lots of things.  I lost my cigar cutter cigar and lighter all seperatly this week. havent found the cutter yet. I should be raving on about how annoyed I am with the world but right now the last thing I can do is concentrate on that.  I just want to be left alone.  I now offically have PTSD, well duhhh there is a surprise t...

Im Still angry; Im angry that someone one of my friends called the police, Im angry that I am out of control, all I wanted to do to the policeman that came here was to hurt him and his partner.  The paramedics the works.  LEAVE ME ALONE... I know legally that they cant, but im so angry of being put through it all.  For what to be sent home anyway.  Why cant I end my life the way I want.  Why must I live like this.  Its all well and good till shit happens and my world falls apart and no one can say anything or do anything to make it better. I warned the hospital I would pay for each day they had me there and now I am, so fuck me more reason to want to sue the whole fucken lot of them.  No drug interaction warnings nothing yet its known to have killed 350 people.  Fuck me is that not a reason to add 1 line to the warnings list. Im angry and im over everyone.  I go to sleep now need to be up in a couple hours and hope that we finish the ...

Well, the menatal health issues continue, I had the police do a wealfare check on me and ended up in the ER again. I want this life over no exceptions just done.  Nothing works my world falls apaart and they worried about proceedure. Yeah she was quick and efficient but dont really listen tried to make her side of the story the one to go on record and around and around we go. They are rude obnxious and treat me like I am causing a big hassel.  Next time I will OD and go sit on my rock, least I can die in peace. Fuck this town, fuck the assholes in it and more importantly fuck those who think they know whats right for me even though I have 10 years direct experience.

The last couple of days have been hard, my lithium levels are now at .2 and falling kidney function is back to normal.  All good with one exception, I have blocked out what happened to me. I should be angry, I should want to scream from the roof tops, I was 12 hours from dying, but I don't.  I just feel numb.  Please don't get me wrong there is a tension inside, a boiling uncontrolled feeling.  It scares me, I need to bleed. I don't mean to physically cut myself, but to unsettle myself, make myself upset, to release the tension.  My psych is worried I may act out, I am strike out as a release.  Me im worried I will fly into a rage and seriously hurt someone.  Its possible with the past I carry with me.  Its almost like my mind is scared to deal with what has happened. I tried meditation but to no avail, but the tension is showing in my dreams, and ohh god they are shocking right now.  So numb it is but soon real soon I need to bleed I n...

(so that you will understand and wont cry for this man cause low man is due, please forgive me) Hi guys.  Its been a little while since I last posted.  Today I would like to say I am coming to you from a beach, at my desk or even from on holidays, but im not.  I have spent the last 6 nights in hospital with Lithium Toxicity. They also have issues with my kidney function that they "found" and is  now a reason they want me to stay for more time. IF they don't allow me to go I will sign myself out.  I have been crying non stop I cant cope with being in here and happy to see renal as outpatients but think I will meet resistance. Please remember with health care you have a right to refuse. The only time they can force treatment is if your life is in immediate danger Love u all Horse Ps post title is from song called low mans lyric

Hello all; Its been a few days since my last post and time is marching on already into the new year.  It will be easter before we know it.  I noticed the supermarkets are selling eggs already.  But today's post is not to do with that its to deal with something that in the past week has caused me to get extremely pissed off with people close to me.  When I go to the trouble to say something at least give me the respect to listen.  3 times in 3 days I have had to repeat myself and something I said because someone hasn't listen the first time and then they try to blame me for the predicament they find themselves in.  I hate the inclination that I was somehow to blame because they did not listen to the advice I had given them.  Its annoying beyond belief and made me quite angry. I think I mentioned in a previous post that my Psychiatrist, is quite worried about the amount of anger I am carrying and the potential for someone to inadvertently push ...

From your Lance Leader; Your Valor, fighting spirit and dedication on the field, proved again why we are the best, and we will server Davion for a long time yet.  To Markus your move to intercept is every reason why we are known as hard fighters and it was glorius to watch you in action. To the rest of the lance, well do fight on and may the glory be yours.

The work I have been doing enters its last phase before billing today, the customer has expressed his happiness with the work and end numbers considering the amount of alterations that he has made. Me im just a thank fuck that is over.  I realize why I retired from this work a long time ago. (a) I'm not well enough for the extended stress (b) I'm sick of holding back what I really want to say to the client, especially when they change their mind half way through. (c) I really cant do the work any more I take everything personally where once it would have not mattered. SO yeah by doing this work I have put my mental health at risk.  Dumb stupid and downright dangerous is what I have done.  I'm lucky im not locked up in a mental ward.  But its all done but the shouting now soon will have the cash to get the equipment then comes the build and installation its all looking fairly easy so fingers crossed. Ohh so you all know going to use Redhat on the server but ...

Well, I awoke about an hour ago and I feel like a Sausage and Egg McMuffin and a Hasbrown, topped off with a large Fanta. Ohh so healthy of me but after the way I have been feeling this past week I think I deserve a dirty treat. Hope your day starts out great as well.  After breakfast its down to contracts ohh the joy. Horse

Hi Reader.  What the hell is the Turkish PM on.  Freedom is Freedom no limit.  It means you can say what you like.  Censorship is no freedom at all. Neo Nazi's spew hate throughout the western world, I hate the message and what it stands for but I will go shoulder to shoulder with these scum bags to protect their right to say it. Freedom isn't something that you limit.  That becomes censorship.  Also what is limited who makes that decision.  Government.  Well we all know how that goes, ask anyone in Stalin's Russia or North Korea, or China for that matter.  I could add a huge number of African and south American states to that as well. In my country every attempt at curtailing the internet has been derailed by the public because we fear a system when the government re-enters our homes and our bedrooms.  So to the Turkish PM.  Grow the fuck up.  You are no better than your communist neighbours, you talk freedom but y...

Hey all; well the cycle continues im crashing and fairly hard at that. Physically unwell I caught a stomach bug over christmas and my usuall complaints left me on 4 lots of anti biotics this past week. Im over tired, I am stressed and I have been having thoughts of suicide once again.  Been to the point of planning in my head how I will end it.  What I will leave behind and ultimately what I believe will happen to my body and my soul once I die. It cant be right to be punished this way, I have paid more for my mistakes than any man on earth I am sure.  Tonight I am sitting here sleep not coming like it should.  I have taken the normal med supply will delve into the extra's shortly. So why do I say its a cycle.  Every year since my breakdown I come off a kind of manic high and collapse into a depressed state.  No its worse than that I fall into a place where I no longer care if I wake up tomorrow or not.  Where I no longer care what people thi...

Thanks to all that read, makes me feel kind of humble since I never set out to make those kind of numbers.  Thanks

Yeah thats right thye had a right to make fun at the prophet, they were right to stand their ground.  We should never back down to such threats.  This week the French people showed that they strongly believe in the freedom of the press and as such, the attacks have lost their power to strike fear. I believe the paper is about to release another magazine where they make fun of the prophet, I agree fully with their right to do so.  Freedom of press means you can say what you want, without restriction and if you don't like what they have to say then don't read it. Its a load of BS and most Muslims probably don't subscribe to the stupidity that saw gunmen in a cartoon office.  You guys need to make more noise because most cant hear it and think that you agree with the actions. If these things keep happening I see a race war being fought and goodluck with that one.