The Old Tin Shed

This post is kind of a follow on from the one before.  Its almost like this isn't me talking its some weird fucked up version of me.  Fear I have none of nothing.  I'm normally an arachnophobia but just now watched a spider crawl up my arm.  Did I care?  Nope. Do I care if the sun comes up tomorrow?  Nope.  I would be relieved right now if these were my last breaths.  This is one of those days were I have lost the fight.  I am simply a shell of the real me.  I exist in this time and space, only because I have to.  I have no wants, no needs nothing, I just breath alone in my own lonely place.  I have spoken about the darkness to see into another persons soul, I am trying to give you a glimpse of what I am like when I am in the darkness. Nothing I say nothing I type can make you see, and make you feel how I do.  Do you know what it is to wake up and not even know what day it is, to wake...

Had a bad couple days started two nights ago with not being able to sleep, hope tonight sees the end of it for sure.  Worse thing is cant talk to anyone they are all to interested in their own lives to give a brass ring about how I feel at the moment. Was called a heartless cunt a couple hours ago for demanding my partners car back from a "friend" who said she would give it back 4 weeks ago.  Who promised she was working on her replacement car to get it ready to drive.  Well no work on car and my partner needed the car back so I started making comments to people who were involved. Only to have one of them call and accuse me of pressuring them into doing something that they were not involved in.  Hence I am an asshole because yet again stupid me listened to what someone else had to say.  Fucked off, ohh hell yeah. So I get the car tomorrow even if I have to walk the 10 miles to go pick it up, im over people manipulating the process and along the w...

This is not a rant, its not something bad that will bore the crap out of you.  Its just some observations after self evaluation again. I havent been that well the last 10 days have had to take some very major steps to keep myself in check, have been to see the doctor and have taken on some extra support.  But I am dealing with it as its happening.  Everyone around me is amazed at how I am keeping myself in check. But this is more about me, and not the illness its more about the observations I have taken since the trip to Brisbane.  I see myself as two different people.  I see the person I show the world, and the person who lives in my world. The person I show the world is controlled, has insight into his world both emotionally and in a general sense. At times it shows the me underneath but only when it can stay in control of the events.  I try my best to be honest with the world, to show the real me.  It has been something I have kind of...

After yesterdays music post, its with great sadness that I do another today.  One of Australia's rock godesses, a woman who helped define female rock, has passed away. I wont go into her life, or her legendry stage performances I am sure that you guys can do that on your own. What I will do is post a couple of ver videos, and long may they remain in popular culture. Me personally I will miss you Chrissy, live you were a force of nature thats for sure. The last song has courted controversy since the day of its release.  It is not about abuse, its not about a woman being beaten up in  a relationship she cannot escape.  Its quite the opposite, it is about and S&M relationship.  Most people would not recognizes that if they had never been in one. One hell of a Rocker, and where ever she is now I am sure that she is already blowing them away.  Will miss you Chrissy

Hey all been listening to a lot of music this past week, thought I would share a couple of songs with you.  I apologize if I have uploaded them before, but they are good anyway. Love this song so much, also the next one from them.  When I listen to both these songs takes me back to a time and place, where I was for the first time in my life truly happy One of my fondest memories of Ryan were based around this song, just me him a bean bag and this song, was nice will never forget. Amy Lee and Seether, I have mentioned many times how much Evenescence has changed the way I see myself and my life.  Seether well they are relatively new to me, but enjoying their music one hell of a lot of late. Last but not least 2 songs from the band, who has had its fair share of bad luck.  The music is undeniably good, and I love it when they are in the playlist at Pandora. Ok 1 more because I feel like it.

What a horrible week for the USA, the bombings and then the fertilizer plant going postal. It was good to see how steady and assured law enforcement were, and how quickly they had identified the individuals responsible.  Then without fear they hunted them down, one died in a hail of bullets taking others with him and the second was captured alive today, although he was also injured. In a world where everyone is a potential terrorist, narrowing the events down and finding these men was a mammoth task, but it was done with quiet assurance.  The USA has learnt a lot since September 11th.  But even more important was the reaction of the people.  They were not scared they did not hide in terror.  They took to the streets today chanting USA USA.  They know as we all do, that standing together creates a strength that no terrorist can break. Now onto the other disaster for the USA this week, the explosion at the fertilizer plant.  It must have ...

Thought this song was very apt today, as we inch ever closer to a calamity on a scale I think none of us really understands. I hope it all blows over but right now it doesnt look to good.

Hey all; came across this article yesterday, and found it to be very interesting. It turns most of what we have been taught over the last 30 years about healthy eating on its head. http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/food/busting-common-nutrition-myths/story-fneuz8zj-1226611849627 I thought about a lot of those things before I went on the last diet and its amazing how badly they have had things wrong in the past The Horse

Hey all I am home.... Ok now I had an awesome experince with Pandora today.  The link is below, I used them a lot while I was in Brisbane but was so cool to drive home listening. Give it a go, so customizable and the music had me signing along even while waiting at road works www.pandora.com The Horse

Ok now you all know that I have been driving most of the day today and will again tomorrow.  The amount of roadworks going on at the moment is just amazing.  But, why are they going on at all? Well to answer that question we have to look at how National Highways are funded in this country.  The Bruce Highway or the A1 is a federal funded main road.  Now the A1 around most the country is a high traffic well made road, with the exception of North Queensland.  You see there is this issue in this country that nothing gets funded properly north of the Gympie.  Most the money made in the north is spent down south and we get little back.  Hence the current issue with the Highway falling to pieces its never been built properly to begin with. So we get this endless and frustrating situation where they are tearing up 20 to 30 kms of road at a time to fix it.  The problem is the bits they have just fixed are falling apart already and so the wheel goe...

Well day two is over, it was hard work but so rewarding.  The group of people I am studying with is so amazing they all have such varied experiences in life some good and some bad.  We have all shared something of ourselves over the past couple of days, and I believe that it will make us all better counselors. Role playing sounds pretty childish, but done properly where both the client and counselor are active in the story, both can learn through the process.  Its amazing how energy zapping doing either role is. This morning when I got there I was really worried, I couldn't get out of my head and I found it really hard to concentrate during the first half hour as we went over what we had learnt yesterday.  I kept thinking how am I going to get out of this, I cant concentrate.  But then the amazing thing happened   It may not be amazing to you guys but the moment we started the role playing, the mind shut up and I had full concentra...

Hi all sorry about the lateness of this blog post and my slackness in posting but to be honest I needed a break.  Not just from the blog but from my life in general.  It was all becoming to hard again and I was worried I would fall into the abyss and never come out. Sometimes the easiest thing to do is not to fight, to just throw your hands in the air and say I have had enough.  I have said many times on this blog I am a fighter, and I am but even my strength my ability has its limits.  I watched a video recently (boy interrupted) about a young boy, who was not right from a very young age, he spent every day fighting to be "normal". He took his own life and no one will ever know the exact reasons.  His mother summized that he had come to the conclusion that it was always going to be like this and that he couldn't cope with that. Evan what an amazing child who left us too soon. In a way its how I can feel at times.  Its hard to get up eve...