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Showing posts from September, 2014

The night has come

Just watched the end of the day, and the coming of the night.  I havent been great today things have meant I medicated and slept most of it.  Even now I feel the influence of the medications.  I love this time of day, after the light changes and the sky turns dark. I feel surrounded, enveloped, its its completeness.  I have no lights on just the computer screen casting long sharp shadows around the room and on me.  I'm not frightened here, it feels safe, clam and more importantly less stressful than the light.  This isnt the darkness within but the darkness without.  The darkness I walk into away from the fire at night in the dessert, solitude, safety and most importantly the end of the daylight I need to break the dark now, much to my dispair, as its time to eat dinner watch the news and settle in for the night.  But remember the darkness is every bit as important as the light

To Sleep

Meds taken, drugs taking effect nearly time to sleep.  I love this feeling the feeling of being halfway there, lucid enough to think tired enough to imagine.  For me its a mystical time each day, though it lasts for just minutes, I wonder if its what it would feel like at the rapture. Godnight dear reader, I hope you sleep when you get it will be deep and soul replenishing, for now the words ends, but tomorrow, yes tomorrow is another day

The Human Animal

Before I start this, I just want to make sure that everyone understands this is my view of the world, my view of humanity.  I don't expect you to agree with me, in fact I would like this to open a dialogue that allows you to form your own opinion on the matter.  I have not taken the formulation of this blog post lightly and has taken several days in fact to bring together concepts and ideas.  Otherwise I hope you enjoy. How to open, this has been a debate for me for several days now, but I decided to start at the start, the very beginning of what we know of human beings. Unlike our ape cousins we stood up, in doing so we changed everything, we were omnivores that allowed us to take advantage of multiple food sources during the seasons and in different parts of the world.  But we had something else, the opposing thumb, it allowed us to use tools, and in doing so our brain evolved.  As man got more successful we did something that no other species on earth has done success

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Thanks everyone for reading makes my day to know that you have dropped by. Horse

TO Take the sad away.

I wish I  could I wish I could reach down inside and flick that switch and turn everything nice for me. its been tough.  I have been sad a long time, and more recently I am beginning to user stand why. When I was younger I work for the RFS as a volunteer we were told we would not deal with car accidents just fires.  LIARS.  In twelve months we attended 19 fatalities.  That takes its toll.  Walking down a free way pickup up arms feet fingers.  Lumps of skin you have no idea who they belong to.  And the overpowering sickening smell of alcohol I am permanently damaged from those days, the ones I remember are the ones that took their last breath in my arms nightmares are filled with their images. I dont bang on about it here but please remember there is a man who has to pick up you and your loved one's body parts, remember that some police officer has to make a trip to your house and wake you loved ones to tell them you died on a highway or road tonight.  In the instant of the ac

Dont want to be here

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As the title suggests I don't want to be here any more tonight.  Its time to take meds and allow sleep to take the sad away.  Will be taking the jagged pill of course, but that sometimes makes things worse not better.  I dont have my boy to keep an eye on me, so I guess Im doing this on my own. I shouldnt be feeling this way but I am, im worried about my future and ultimately im worried about what happens next with me.  I have images in my head of people finding me laying on the top of the bed dead.  Me escaped the illness and life at the same time.  Its a feeling from my damaged soul, tonight I may want to sleep with the angels but will they want to sleep with me BP sucks.   Just the nightly dose happens every day how do you think it makes me feel to have to swallow all that.

Life Love and something in the middle

Hi; You know I have had a lot of work this past month, and I am paying the price as they say, my mental condition was aggravated, by the long hours of stress.  But I think it has been worth it.  I have managed to invoice over $3K this month my biggest month in 5 years, and next month will be bigger. I face some challenges ahead though, the next step is a complete network redesign for the client and I have been working hard to get that under control, its worth some good coin to me, and even better a good ongoing income doing the support. To top this off, have been asked to do other works by other new customers so things might finally be paying off for me.  The question still remains as to if I can sustain the stress that comes with it. Away from work, I have found a new way to wake up in the morning, I stumble down stairs turn the kettle on and make a hot cup of earl gray tea with milk and sugar.  I then come upstairs open the curtains and watch Castle hill as the sun plays on i